Being Before Doing: Performance or Presence
Luke 10:41-42 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
When my wife Leah was pregnant with our son Wilbur he was almost born prematurely. Leah went into labor at 32 weeks pregnant. Through the power of prayer the labor stopped and Wilbur has not born. But Leah was stuck in the hospital in case labor continued for 2 and a half weeks. After that bed rest was mandated until he arrive. When we arrived he was in the NICU for nearly three weeks. One of my life regrets is how much work I tried to do at Leah and Wilbur’s bedside. I couldn’t stop and rest.
How do you evaluate whether you are successful in life? I can evaluate my performance in a particular job. Jobs come with objective goals and tasks. When I lose myself to my job I find that my worth is only in what I can accomplish. This leads me to a place where I am constantly taking on more, trying to do more, until I blow up from overload or burnout.
In pastoral ministry, I face a great temptation to be lost to the job and to performance. People pat you on the back for doing more and more. Like “rhabdo” in the crossfit world—a condition where athletes push so hard that their muscle tissue breaks down and enters the bloodstream—burnout can become a badge of honor in the ministry world.
Seasons where I was focused on performance I was miserable. No matter how much I did or how much people thanked me or were amazed at how much I got done, it wasn’t enough. I never felt satisfied with myself. But I stayed in this place of performance because I can hide there. I don’t need to allow my real self to show up, I just need to preach, sing, play, write, study—nothing that requires me to be vulnerable or open. But Jesus calls us to a place of vulnerability. To sit at his feet instead of running around getting things done for him.
Who asked you to do this?
Something that makes me laugh in the Mary/Martha story is when Martha tells Jesus to make Mary help. What’s happening is that Martha is running around doing everything a good host should do. But what makes me laugh is when I realize, no one has asked Martha to do anything. She’s doing it because it’s what she believes a good host should do. She is taking value for herself in getting these tasks done but the people she is doing them for don’t need her to do it. Instead they just want her to be present with them.
One night at Youth Group while my wife was in the hospital I was talking with a youth volunteer named Mike. I told Mike that I had shooting pain down my left side. He said “Zach, that’s a sign of severe fatigue!” Then he said the most amazing thing, “GO HOME! We got this.” This command was a blessing beyond measure. It was the first time that I missed a youth group night. And it was the first crack in the chains of performance, beginning to give me permission to stop doing things that no one was asking me to do.
A point of honesty. I still stink at this. Presently I am experiencing all kinds of bodily pain as a result of self-inflicted stress. In the planting process I am constantly battling with the feeling that everything should already be done and that I am the one who needs to get it done. I’m honestly considering tattooing the words “no one asked you to do that” on my hands or forearms. I struggle to believe that people could love me as I am and that simply being present in people’s lives is all that I have been called to do as pastor.
Presence over performance
Vocation is not based on performance. But it does lead to doing. But it is a doing that is not built on performance metrics. Its success is not evaluated on what I get done but on who I can be present with.
Presence—real presence—doesn’t allow for a work based hiding. Presence requires me to show up as a person, not just a pastor. It requires vulnerability, attention, and a kind of pastoral courage that says: “I’m here with you. I see you. And I’m willing to let you see me too.”
God gave me an invitation through my son Wilbur to return to presence. Wilbur likes being rocked to sleep. Even at 6 years old, I hold him in dark rooms and the two of us drift into sleep until I lay him in bed. I sing simple songs to him over and over as he sleeps: great is thy faithfulness, Jesus loves me, but my favorite is a song is one line sung on repeat:
Jesus’ blood never failed me yet, this one thing I know, that he loves me so.
Jesus is ever present with us, a vocation centered on Jesus will begin with presence with Him and then with others. As you consider your vocation, are you lost in it because you keep trying to figure out what tasks you are good at? Can I invite you instead to ask, “How can I be present to Jesus and others?” In this presence you will begin to find vocation.
Take Peace With You,
Zach
